Only with you. –
To death do us part.
Gradually the sun set in our horizon and shadows grew.
Now it seems, there is nothing but shadows, and the couple is pulled apart in a centrifugal devils dance!
The usual aproach is to talk with friends, siblings or parents. They will give you advice, dependend on their own access to wisdom; or rather how well they get along with your better half. These advises may shed some light on the relationship; at best. At worse, unfortunately, they may pull you yet further out in a devastating spin!
Next there is the couples therapist. Women tend to draw their men there, and men usually join reluctantly. The women are more talkative and able to phrase, what is missing in their life. Maybe he is dropping out of his duties in the household, and she will feel the increased burden on her shoulders? Maybe she feels, that his attention wanders, that she is not the center of his world anymore?
He feels her chill, but tends to adjust the expectations down and try to get through. If she just was not so complicated!
She will then feed the therapist and he will listen annoyed. The therapist will try to get him to speak too, but their voices will more often than not tend to not meet in their separate and parallelle cources.
Thus the session with the couples therapist often times ends worse out than it started. Nobody is happy, and no solution i sight!
Arguments and acusations
Something has changed. No doubt about it. The marriage does not consist purely of magic any more. Most often the changes came sniking in, inperceptibly, until some incident all of a sudden revealed the concerning truth.
When something fails, we tend to point to the other with more or less true acusations; at least this must be your fault! It is painful to admit your own part of it. Because then you will have to exert your self, and the balance of power may become disrupted. Common acusations are:
- We have grown apart
- You have changed
- I do not know you anymore
- The dream, we shared, withered away
- You do not take your share with the children/in the household
- You are not there for me
- You do not care about «us»
What has changed
What to do
This can bring one to ponder. But how the marriage came about, whether a Disco error or an arranged marriage is actually less relevant. Done is done. Before you get sick and run away, dwell a moment in the memory: Do you remember that once she was your queen? That you honoured her more than anything? She was the most beautiful woman in the world! A time where you spoke tenderly to her, where you were proud of her, when you were together with other people. There were times, where you experienced every moment with her as a miracle, every day was a feast!
And now, how is it now? Do you behave towards your queen as she deserves from her king? I am inclined to believe, the answer is no. Otherwise there would not be any problems. Some marriages flourish when the royal couple give themselves the time to honour each other, and thereby they find the love again. They had simply lost sight of each other because of the hustle of their disconnected and stressed everyday life.
Maybe you say no, it isn’t worth it. We have grown apart! Ok, such things can happen. But what would speak against to attempt the king’s way? What could go wrong? To perceive the other person as king/queen is never wrong. Why not go for it?
If you have actually grown apart, which could be the case, if your marriage is a continuation of the childhood patterns, then the following might happen. When you start looking for the queen in your wife, with an intention to honour her, you will inevitably pay more attention to her. You will again be able to see her with open eyes, and even what she has become, which you did not see, because you did not look. Maybe you do not like, what you now perceive, but for your wife, it is good to be seen as what she is anyway. Another side effect is, that pent-up forces will start flowing again. Perhaps the damming brought consciousness:
You don’t like me!
You don’t care!
We have grown apart!
Now we break the ice, let life flow again. Remain awake and aware! If you experience, that you are resuming an old pattern what about dropping out? Do something that you never did before? Disband it!
The important thing is to remain true to yourself: what is good for you? How does it feel to be affectionate with her, close? Is it good for you? For whom are you working all day? Are you thriving? Where is the joy? Or even the common happiness?
Maybe the marriage cannot be saved. But instead of bitter years of illness and death, you could accompany each other, thereby releasing each other. The marriage could transform into a loving friendship.
A 1-1 session is meant to give you the tools to realize, identify and sort out the problems you are facing. Old traumas often times lie underneath, and now, when you are troubled, is the time to release them.
That done, your eyes will get clearer, and at least some things will be of the past.
In further sessions you will learn to refine the tools to build up, rediscover and strengthen your relationship, or maybe create a new path for your life.